


If Music be der Food of Luff

by baroque_mongoose



Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-03-11 10:09:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3323597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baroque_mongoose/pseuds/baroque_mongoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oggie has taken up the bagpipes, and most people are fervently wishing he would put them down again.  Most people, that is, except Agatha.  And there's a reason for that...</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Music be der Food of Luff

It was supposed to be a very quick routine journey to London; but, in the end, it proved to be neither quick nor routine. I was, as usual, travelling in a small diplomatic airship, carrying just me and a crew of two: the pilot, a Mrs Franklin, and the engineer, a Mr Donaldson. I have been going back and forth at intervals in these little airships since I became Ambassador, and, until the incident I am about to relate, I had always found them utterly reliable. However, there is a first time for everything.

“Is it me,” I asked, looking out of the window, “or are we losing a bit of height?”

“We're losing height, my lord,” replied Mr Donaldson. “I think we may have a fault with the engine. I'm about to go and investigate.”

He went through to the engine room; but even as he did so, the blimp started descending rapidly. I knew better than to distract Mrs Franklin at a moment like this, so I did not ask what was happening until after we had landed, rather awkwardly, in a field. She hurried through from the cockpit.

“Are you all right, my lord?” she asked. “I'm sorry about that. If I hadn't bumped down like that, we'd have hit a building.”

“Oh, I'm fine, but I hope Mr Donaldson is all right,” I replied. “He's still in the engine room.”

He emerged at that moment. “I'm in one piece, but I'm afraid I can't say the same for the boiler. The safety valve must have blown just in time, because there's a huge crack in it. If anything had been wrong with the valve, we'd have had an explosion.”

Mrs Franklin pursed her lips. “That's not good,” she said. “We're going to need a whole new boiler, then.”

Mr Donaldson nodded. “I'm afraid so.”

“Well,” I said, “if I may make a suggestion, by my reckoning we can't be too far from Mechanicsburg. That would not be a bad place to look for a new boiler, don't you think?”

“It'll be at least ten miles, my lord,” said Mrs Franklin doubtfully.

“But you know which way it is?” I asked.

“Oh, yes. It'll be that way.” She indicated.

“Then we'll start walking, and hope to be picked up by a vehicle,” I said, firmly. “Unless either of you two can think of a better alternative.”

We started walking. It was not, in fact, too long before we were picked up by a farm cart; the driver was not going into Mechanicsburg, but would be passing within a mile of it, and agreed to drop us off at the crossroads. We thanked him, and before too long we were walking along a narrow lane with Castle Heterodyne firmly in our sights.

“Ever been to Mechanicsburg?” I asked the other two, by way of conversation. “It's a very interesting place.”

They both shook their heads. “I've heard some stories about that castle, though, my lord,” said Mr Donaldson darkly.

“They're probably all true,” I replied. “I've been in it a few times. It's not a place for the unwary. Agatha keeps it in check as best she can, but it's highly intelligent and extremely malevolent, and it has a tendency to... interpret its orders, shall we say, in a creative fashion.”

“I say,” said Mrs Franklin. “Listen.”

There was, indeed, a strange noise. As we drew closer, it resolved itself into a ghastly, juddering wail. Mr Donaldson shuddered.

“Lady Heterodyne doesn't torture people, does she?” he asked.

“Certainly not,” I replied, rather sharply. “But something does seem to be amiss. It's coming from up that way somewhere. I think I should go and investigate.”

“Are you sure it's quite safe, my lord?” asked Mr Donaldson.

“No,” I replied, “but I think I can do dangerous by now.”

“I'm coming with you,” said Mrs Franklin stoutly. “You're not going up there on your own.”

Mr Donaldson visibly hesitated, then decided that he had probably better join us. Consequently, all three of us toiled up the hill towards the sound. It really was disturbing; it sounded like the long-drawn-out death agonies of some nameless beast from the infernal regions. However, whatever it was, I was fairly certain Agatha would want to know about it.

We crested the hill and looked down into a shallow dell... and there before us was the source of the uncanny sound. It was, of all people, Oggie. He was blowing, very hard and with an expression of fierce concentration, into a set of bagpipes. I rather hesitate to say that he was playing them, since the resulting noise bore no relation to anything normally regarded as music; but if he was playing them, I think they were probably winning.

He looked up, and immediately stopped blowing, to the relief of all our ears.

“Mister Vooster!” he exclaimed, with a huge grin. “Dis is a beeg surprise. Vot iz hyu doink here?”

“That's Lord Heversham now...” Mrs Franklin began. I raised a hand to stop her.

“Yes, yes, but this is Oggie,” I explained. I spoke up so that Oggie could hear me. “Hallo, Oggie. Our blimp came down a little way away from here, so we came into town to get a new boiler. And, er... how long have you been learning to play the bagpipes?”

“Iz about a month now,” he admitted. “Hy iz not doink very vell. But hy keep practisink. If hy practise, vun day hy get really goot.”

“I certainly hope so,” I said. “What inspired you to take up the bagpipes, in particular?”

“Hy iz in luff,” replied Oggie.

“Ah... I'm not altogether sure I quite follow you,” I said.

“Vell,” Oggie explained, “de Mistress got a new chef. She iz called Miss McTavish, und she iz from Scotland. Und de second day she vos here, she found me in der kitchen eatink der scones, und hyu should haff seen der vay she valloped me vit der fryink pan. It vos luff at first sight!”

“Ah,” I said. “I begin to understand.”

“I'm sure I don't,” said Mrs Franklin. “If a lady wallops you with a frying pan, I suspect romance is unlikely to be on the cards.”

“Jägers are... different,” I replied. “If you ever have to redirect any romantic advances from a Jäger, under no circumstances use violence. They like women who can hit.”

“Ja,” said Oggie, happily. “Hy could yust about write a sonnet about her left hook. If hy could write a sonnet.”

“Well, we'll, ah, leave you to your practice,” I said. “We really need to see about a new boiler, and I should like to drop in on Agatha while I'm here.”

“Hokay. Maybe hy see hyu later.”

As we walked back down the hill, Mr Donaldson observed, “If he keeps playing the bagpipes like that, I should think she'll hit him as much as he likes.”

“I'm not sure you've quite got the idea,” I said.

This being Mechanicsburg, there were plenty of shops where one could buy a new boiler suitable for a small airship and have it installed. I left Mr Donaldson in charge of that. He found an exact replacement for the old boiler very quickly, but unfortunately they could not install it until the following morning. It was a nuisance, but I doubted we would get anything done any faster; we were just going to have to stay the night.

“I suggest we go and see if Mamma Gkika's rooms are free,” I said. “They're comfortable, and Mamma Gkika is an excellent cook. I always stay there when I visit here.”

“Gkika? That's a strange name,” said Mr Donaldson.

“She's a Jäger,” I explained.

He blinked. “I didn't know there were any female ones.”

“Yes, there are a few. She's the best known, I think. Not only does she run the most famous bar in Mechanicsburg, but she's also a General. She's a most interesting lady.”

“As long as she doesn't play the bagpipes, I don't mind,” said Mrs Franklin. “But what are you going to do about your meeting in London, my lord?”

“Cable them and rearrange it for the following day,” I replied. “I regret having to put people out, but, really, there's nothing one can do about a defunct boiler. Of course, alternatively I could get the airship to Amsterdam from here, but that doesn't leave till late this evening, and then I'd be hanging around waiting for my connection in the small hours of tomorrow morning. I might have been prepared to do that when I was younger, but not these days. Old age is creeping up on me, and I need my sleep.”

“Is this the place?” asked Mr Donaldson, doubtfully. “It looks a bit seedy to me.”

“That's just the bar,” I replied. “The rooms are much better. Come on in.”

Mamma Gkika was drying a glass when she saw us. “Hey!” she beamed. “Lord Heversham! Ve veren't expectink hyu at all.”

“Hallo, Gkika,” I said. “No, I wasn't expecting to be here either, but our airship came down. Are your rooms free?”

Her face clouded. “Hy iz afraid not,” she replied. “Ve got a lot of tourists here at der moment. Iz a beer festival here tomorrow.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well, not to worry. I'm sure we'll find somewhere.”

“Hy not so sure about dot,” she replied. “Hyu might haff to stay at der Kestle.”

“I'd rather sleep under a hedge,” I said.

“Vell, maybe tings iz different now,” she replied. “Hyu been up to see de Mistress yet?”

“Not yet. That's my next port of call,” I said.

“Der Kestle's been behavink itself a lot better recently,” she assured me, with a grin. “Hyu vill see.”

“Well, that would be a first,” I observed. “Thank you, Gkika. I may call in later for a drink.”

“Alvays heppy to see hyu,” she said.

As we left, I turned to the others. “I'm going up to the Castle now,” I told them. “You do not have to come with me. If you do, Agatha will certainly make you very welcome, but the Castle is... well, it's the Castle, and whatever Gkika says, I don't trust it. It doesn't like me, and the feeling, I have to say, is entirely mutual.”

“I'll come with you,” said Mrs Franklin. “I'd like to meet Lady Heterodyne.”

“I... think I might do a bit of sightseeing,” said Mr Donaldson. I did not blame him.

“Very well,” I replied. “While you're about it, can you see if you can find rooms for us?”

“Certainly, my lord,” he said, with alacrity.

Maxim was on duty at the gates when Mrs Franklin and I reached them. He grinned from ear to ear. “Hey, Earl!” he said. “Iz goot to see hyu. Und who iz hyu friend?”

“This is Mrs Franklin, my pilot,” I replied. “Mrs Franklin, this is Maxim, who's another very old friend of mine.”

She smiled. “You seem to know all the Jägers, my lord.”

“Pretty much,” I replied. “Maxim, is Agatha at home?”

“Ja. She vill be glad to see hyu. Come vit me.”

We followed him into the Castle. A few moments later, its familiar voice boomed out of the stonework. “Ah,” it said. “Lord Heversham? What a pleasant surprise!”

I was so startled that I actually stopped in my tracks for a moment. For a start, it had got my name right. Generally speaking, if it had to address me by name at all, it got it wrong, very probably on principle. But that paled into insignificance beside the astonishing fact that it was being polite.

“Er,” I said cautiously. “Good afternoon, Castle.”

“Good afternoon. I trust you have had a pleasant journey?”

“Ah... well, not exactly,” I replied. “I'm here because the airship came down. But, er...” I tailed off, not entirely sure how to continue.

“I am very sorry to hear that,” said the Castle.

My face must have been a study, because Maxim turned to glance at me and immediately went into a rather exaggerated coughing fit, clearly intended to disguise the fact that he was laughing. “I... thought you said...?” said Mrs Franklin.

“I did,” I replied. “This is... er... well...”

“Iz not often hyu iz at a loss for vords,” said Maxim, still grinning.

“No, indeed,” I agreed. “Of course, naturally I'm very happy about this sudden change in attitude, but...”

“You are surprised?” asked the Castle. “Yes, I suppose you are. Well, my lord, set your mind at rest. I have turned over a new leaf.”

“I'm... well, I'm jolly pleased to hear it,” I said, warmly.

We found Agatha curled up in the library with a good book, but she jumped up as soon as she saw us. “Ardsley!” she exclaimed. “Lovely to see you, but what are you doing here?”

“Ordering an emergency replacement for our airship boiler,” I replied. “This is Mrs Franklin, my pilot. There's an engineer here too, Mr Donaldson; he's having a look round town at the moment.”

“Oh, dear,” she said. “So that was your airship? I had no idea. If I'd realised, I'd have sent someone to get you. Nobody hurt, I hope?”

“No,” I replied. “Mrs Franklin landed us very well.”

“Not as well as I intended,” said Mrs Franklin. “There was a building in the way and I couldn't turn the blimp fast enough, so we had a bit of a bump. Nothing too terrible, though.”

“Ken hy go und get Dimo?” asked Maxim. “He dun know der Earl iz here. He vill neffer forgiff me if he dun see heem.”

“Yes, by all means,” replied Agatha, and Maxim at once hurried away.

“We've got the boiler sorted out,” I said, “but they can't install it until tomorrow, so Mr Donaldson is looking for some rooms for us. Unfortunately, Mamma Gkika's rooms are taken.”

“I know she always keeps them for you if she knows you're coming,” said Agatha. “But you can always stay here, you know. You're all very welcome. There's plenty of room.”

“I... er... well, you know what I normally think,” I replied, “but the Castle really surprised me when I came in. It was polite. Even friendly.”

“Oh, well, yes, it would be,” said Agatha, brightly. “I've found a foolproof way to get it to co-operate. I think I can safely promise that you will have no trouble at all if you stay.”

“Well,” I said, “I did ask Mr Donaldson to go looking for rooms, so perhaps if he hasn't found anything...”

“Would you like me to go and look for him, my lord?” asked Mrs Franklin.

“Oh, no need,” said Agatha. “I can send Maxim when he comes back. Just give him a description and he'll find him for you soon enough.”

“That would be very kind,” I replied. “Thank you.”

Maxim came hurrying back with Dimo. “Hey!” said Dimo. “Iz goot to see hyu! Hy tot Maxim vos vindink me up.”

“No, it's definitely me,” I replied, with a smile. “Good to see you too.”

“Ve sorry about Oggie,” said Maxim. “He iz out at der moment, but vhen he comes back, ve tell him hyu iz here.”

“It's all right,” I assured him. “I've already seen him. And, ah, heard him.”

The two Jägers exchanged glances. “Hyu iz unfortunate,” said Dimo, darkly.

“Ja. Iz not a goot noise,” said Maxim.

“Well, it is said to be one of the most difficult instruments to learn,” I pointed out. “I admire his determination and perseverance.”

“Dot iz all very vell,” said Dimo, “but der last time hy heard a noise like dot, it vos on a battlefield. Ve vill yust say dere vos zumvun Euphrosynia Heterodyne really didn't like.”

“Ja,” said Maxim, reminiscently. “Hy remember. She vound all his...”

Dimo raised a hand. “Maybe ve dun tell dem, hey? Dey probably haffn't eaten.”

“Well,” said Agatha, “now you know how I'm keeping the Castle in order.” She beamed. “All these years, and the answer turned out to be so simple!”

Mrs Franklin frowned. “I expect his lordship does, but I'm not so certain I do.”

Dimo grinned at her. “Vell,” he explained, “if der Kestle dun behave itself, de Mistress lets Oggie practise de bagpipes in der ballroom.”

“You see?” said the Castle, in a martyred voice. “She really does take after her ancestors, after all.”


End file.
